Are you a parent yet?
Most part of childhood, our children equate their parents to Superheroes. In your child's eyes, a Superhero doesn't err. And I am sure we parents recognize and agree to Spiderman when he says "with great power comes great responsibility".
I do believe that parenting is a scientific process as much as an emotional journey. Every action has an affect on our child's brain. You might notice, there are famous parents' children who are infamous for the way they are handling their life. On the other hand there are celebrity children who are as driven as their parents. We also see most successful people are self-made.
As a parent, I wonder, if we are doing all the right things or are we doing what we know as "right"?
A Seal, starts teaching its young one, from the age of 2 weeks, to swim in the sea and identify the right air holes in ice to pass through. An Orangutan makes its child a young apprentice to learn to pick the right ripe edible fruits, make a mattress to sleep and more. A Polar Bear ensures they stay around their young one until they explore and learn all survival skills needed to feed in the cold. Likewise, what must humans do to help our children gain the survival skills needed?
We can start by demystifying a child's stages of psychological development and see if we can pick a few clues from what the experts say.
Erik Erikson, a renowned developmental psychologists wrote "The Psychosocial Theory of Human Development", that splendidly explains 8 stages that every human goes through starting from Infancy to Late Adulthood. Let's look at the two of these stages, and how its woven into our everyday life.
Middle Childhood
Age : 9 - 12 years
What are they striving for now : They are trying to apply their skills, get results and feel capable
What is their Crisis : Am I competent or Inferior to my peers?
Who do they draw learning from : School and Friends
Question they are trying to answer : Can I make it in this world of people and things?
Dilemma of a Parent in this stage would be: Should I impose fear of perfectionism or validation of uniqueness
Q. When your child is trying hard to cope up at school, what do you tell him?
Einstein had tremendous learning issues and was not able to speak till age of 3. By the the time he was 12 he was doing calculus. What might have helped him?
It is said that his parents taught him what perseverance was, if he was unable to learn at school, they got him a tutor. When he still didn't improve, they changed the tutor many times. Giving up was not an option. Maybe, we can take a clue from this. He was not told that he was inferior instead, he was made to believe that he was uniquely skilled.
Q. When your child takes a decision for himself and you don't approve of it. What do you do?
Did you know Mark Zuckerberg's father gave him an option to either join Harvard or own a McDonald's franchise funded by him. Eventually, Zuckerberg chose Harvard and dropped out. I am sure he feels a great sense of ownership and pride for having taken his life decisions himself.
Every human is unique and psychologists suggest that if you impose your ideas on your child as a parent, they will end up emulating you and that might be a lifetime of confusion and un-validated "self- image". Letting them free and keeping a watch is the way to be. Help when things go off track, like a flying squad, rather than directing them according to your likes.
Q. When your child defies you on the most fundamental things, like eating on time or studying, what do you do?
Discipline is a virtue, every human must possess or at-least, recognize. When you child defies you, it is the duty of a parent to play the role of a "Negotiator" and reason it out with them, rather than creating a culture at home of order taking. You are dealing with another individual who has developed their own choices. Expecting them to obey with no reason is contradictory to what you want your child to be when they grow up. Reason it with them and see the magic.
Early Childhood
Associated age : 5 - 8 years
What are they striving for now? : Exploring the purpose of things around
What is their Crisis? : Should I take initiatives independently or Should I be guilty for trying?
Whom do they draw learning from? : Parents / family
Question they are trying to answer : Is it alright for me to do things independently?
Dilemma of a Parent in this stage could be; Should I impose constraint or allow creativity
Q. When your child wants to do something by him/herself and it turns out in an accident (spilling/breaking or some other disaster), How do you react?
It is the time when they are looking for validation for doing things independently. There are two ways, this could go; First, you appreciate the effort and subtly teach them to be more careful, next time. Second, You scold them for the loss and ignore what the child was trying to do.
Former, will certainly help a great deal in building confidence and creativity whereas, latter, would do nothing but put constraints and instill fear.
I know it sounds like no-brainer, but we all have made obvious mistakes. Haven't we?
Q. When your child does not want to do things by him/herself, what do you do?
Encourage playing, reading and other activities together. Your child is a clean slate, so unless they know what an activity involves, they won't have the drive to do it.
Imagine answering a question on Otalaryngology. That is what your child must be feeling, when you expect them to suddenly try doing things by themselves. They don't know why they should be doing it, in the first place.
Q. When your child wants to eat by him/herself, but all the food is on the table in the attempt. How do you react?
I know, it pains to see that all the food did not go into your child's stomach. But, letting go of your feeling and allowing your child to have the sense of accomplishment might go a long way. Yet most parents, go running after our children, trying to feed them for a number of years.
The most crucial ones significant in Child's Social Identity and Development might be Age 5 to 12 years. This is the time when they are searching for validation and purpose of them being in the world. It is important as parents, to know what role we play, to help them search in the right places?
As a Superhero, they expect us to help them, till their own Superhero cape fit them. So, lets make sure it comes naturally to us.
Love!
Image courtesy : Fraud Conference News
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