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Women in 30s and our process of cognition




Have you ever read about the cognitive behavioral concepts?

These concepts are formed around understanding human cognitive distortions, unhelpful behaviors and emotional regulations that we form through our lives.

It is but obvious, that every human being goes through many experiences through out their life and while going through them they learn about themselves and form beliefs about their own capabilities.
Every belief that a person has of  him/her self is based on the past experiences. For example, if I have tried to play a sport a few times and have not been able to do well and in-turn have had bad experiences of facing associated humiliation, I would think a thousand times before I can try another sport. This is because I have formed an unhealthy opinion that I am not good at sports. On the other extreme, if I have baked a cake and everyone has loved it, I will have high level of confidence to try baking cake or cookies or anything else that I think needs similar skillset.

While these concepts in general are not gender specific, I am interested in looking at the cause and effect on a woman's psych, while they manoeuvre through their daily life in a “Man's World”.

Let's look at today's corporate women in their 30s/40s and go into the societal environment of 70's/80's  that we have been raised in. Even though some of our parents protected us from the big bad world for the longest time, we did end up swimming in its biases, eventually. Even though we may not have been directly affected, we grew up to realize that it is so interwoven into our day to day.  The biases of the world have made its way into every woman's sub-conscious in varying degrees.

Over years, when we accumulate many experiences and learning, we may find ourselves in a unique spot on the complex-scale that has inferiority complex on one end and a superhero complex on the other.

Inferiority Complex is nothing but a mental state that makes you feel less confident of yourself and wary about trying anything out of your comfort zone. 

Superhero Complex is an equally unhealthy belief that you are invincible. You can do anything under the sun. Eventually, this leads to a person biting more than they can chew and remain in a constant state of stress and anxiety to safeguard their self belief.

At work, every woman accumulates experiences and some are good but many are bad. How we process these experiences is what defines us.

Without generalizing, I have observes that almost all of us women can see ourselves being slotted by others in either of the buckets:

1. Arrogant and Pushy 
2. Pushover



There are some unsaid principles that we have grown up with, which condition us over time:

Fragility has been taught to us as our core character and we have been constantly made to feel like we needed protection.
Dependence has been an underlying norm, whether its childhood or marital life.
Restriction has been ingrained in our nature. Whether its appearance, behavior or aspirations for our life.
Subservience has been glorified, almost as though its evil to not fall in-line as the rest.
Aesthetic has been made to be the sole purpose of female existence

These very same girls who grew up in this conditioning  are in offices of today, rubbing shoulders with men who grew up with similar conditioning about a woman’s role. I am sure it sounds like a tough task and you are right, IT IS. Not because of the external factors but because we are faced with contradictions between what we are taught about us as girls and what the workplace demands. We are qualified and skilled but have we been trained psychologically? I don't think so.

The big question is, what can we do about it to be happier?

When you are faced with a situation of decision-making, a good conscious look at our natural decision will be a good start. 
Identify : This will help you in identifying which side of the fence you are naturally operating out of (superiority/inferiority)
Find the Pattern Once you observe your natural tendency, you will be surprised to see your own pattern of thinking
Find the root cause of your instinct : Think through the past experiences that made you develop the instinct
Validate : Validate if you need to change the way you think. Some negative thoughts are unhelpful baggage and bring no value
Practice : Eventually with practice you will make the progress from how you naturally react, to how you want to react.

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